PsychologyRelationships

How partners are trying to change each other and why is it not working?

The question of changing oneself is quite controversial. On the one hand, believing that another person will change for one’s partner is rather misleading as this can never happen and there is no need to wait for this moment or even forcing the changes to happen. On the other hand, changes can happen indeed, but never because of getting pushed into it. Changes can actually happen in the way another partner did not predict.

Learn more about the way people are changing in relationships and whether there is any sense in counting on it.

A partner will definitely change after a life-changing event

People who believe in the possibility of changing their partners are counting on some life-changing events causing it. You can guess what such events are. They are getting in a relationship with their partner in the first place. If this does not work a marriage will help and finally, nothing will break the changing power of giving a birth to a child.

In the reality, such a misunderstanding of a relationship is detrimental for both partners.

What actually happens is that one of the partners is waiting for another one to change oneself while staying unhappy. Others might see it as a very noble act because a person is still keeping the relationship despite all of the unhappiness going on in it. Yet, there is actually nothing noble in it. Such a partner is actually in love with the vision of another person rather than with another person and he or she is trying to redefine the partner to become the person from an illusion. As you can imagine, this will make another partner unhappy as well.

What should you do if you do not like something in your partner?

There is another popular stereotype pushing many people into an attempt to change their partners. People believe they are supposed to accept all of the features of a personality of their partners even if they are getting seriously disturbed by them for the sake of real love. In the reality, it does not happen and it is normal to find something in one’s partner which is not necessarily satisfying for another person. Yet, it is crucial to estimate the scale of this issue. If one is ready to deal with it forever because a person finds the relationship very valuable for oneself, there is no need to break the relationship. Still, there is no sense in waiting that this feature of character disappear just because another partner wants it.

In case the disruptive behaviour or features of character make you seriously unhappy, there is no sense in continuing such a relationship and especially, in bringing it to a new level such as a marriage or having a child together. This will make the life for both partners even more miserable and certainly, if there is a child, she will suffer as well.

Can a person really change?

There is another popular myth that people never change. They are changing and are perfectly capable of making rather large shifts in their personality. Still, it is crucial to understand this can happen only if they genuinely want it and they will never want it because another person is threatening them or making them feel guilty for being oneself. Even if a person wants to change for these reasons, it will be rather difficult for him or her to do it when the urge to change is not coming from the internal source.